


you know i'd rather be alone than be without you

by aghramochroi



Category: Ratched (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Mildred Is Emotional(TM), Suspected Cheating, how many different terms for a period can i come up with, period fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-08
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-13 16:01:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,771
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29903574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aghramochroi/pseuds/aghramochroi
Summary: Mildred's emotional rationale goes out the window when she's on her period. Add the fact that Gwendolyn has been home late from work every evening this week, and, well, things were bound to go badly (but end happily).
Relationships: Gwendolyn Briggs/Mildred Ratched
Comments: 20
Kudos: 64





	you know i'd rather be alone than be without you

**Author's Note:**

  * For [LIFECAFE](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=LIFECAFE).



> a request from romanovalkyries on tumblr: "i'd love to see a jealous mildred on her period, and suspects gwen could be cheating on her"  
> i saw this and was immediately like aight babe i am a sucker for a good period fic, and throw in some angst/suspected cheating, i'm gone; i hope you like it!
> 
> fair warning if periods or mentions of blood gross you out
> 
> title is from Has Anyone Ever Written Anything for You by Stevie Nicks

Not many things were consistent in Mildred Ratched’s life. Her childhood was a mess of hopping from foster family to foster family, rarely staying in one place long enough to adjust before she was being carted off again. Her job was busy, days spent calming patients from breakdowns and working shifts so long that the days started to melt into each other. If there was anything in Mildred’s life that she could rely on, it was her period. In her teen years it had never been regular, the abuse and stress and lack of food meaning her cycle often started late or sometimes just skipped a month entirely. The older she got, though, the more regular she became, until eventually the routine her life slipped into meant she could pinpoint her time of the month to the exact day, never starting more than a day either side of when it was due.

Ease, however, did not come with this regularity. She had heard of women who breezed through their monthly bleeds with little to no pain or bloating, never feeling the need to cry at random intervals or get annoyed at something minor and unnecessary. Her period came with stomach cramps and back pain, the first three days being an emotional rollercoaster of crying and insecurity, her flow heavy until the latter half of her week-long bleed.

The first three days of Mildred’s period hurt, physically and emotionally. Her pain was strong, but as well that, her emotions became harder to control. She snapped at things she would usually let slide, and her mind was full of self-deprecation and spent the week convincing itself that she was pretty much worthless. The insecurity had surprisingly increased since the start of her relationship with Gwendolyn. Their relationship was something special, entirely loving and all-consuming, but when Mildred’s emotions spiralled, she second guessed herself, not being able to fathom why Gwendolyn would actually want to be with her of all people, convinced that she would one day come to her senses and leave.

Mildred was working on that.

She was working on her doubts, so far managing to confine them to just when she was on her period, which she considered a major improvement from when she first met Gwendolyn.

Early one morning, Mildred woke suddenly, squinting against the sun that shone through the window where she hadn’t closed the curtains fully the night before. She sat up, letting the duvet fall around her waist, and was immediately hit with a sharp pain in her abdomen. She winced as a hand flew to press lightly against her stomach. She swung her legs over the side of the bed and took a deep breath as the pain grew when she stood up. As she walked to the bathroom, she thought of the calendar in her planner and how long it had been since she had drawn a red circle in it. She brushed her teeth quickly, something in her telling her exactly what the stabbing in her stomach was caused by. Sitting gingerly, she stared at her stained underwear for a minute before dragging herself to the press under the sink. She grabbed a tampon and inserted in swiftly before running the tap and rinsing her underwear under the cold water and throwing it in the laundry basket.

Exiting the bathroom, Mildred dressed in her uniform as Gwendolyn began to stir in bed. “Good morning,” she said huskily. Mildred walked over to her as she buttoned the top button on her dress and kissed Gwendolyn softly. “Good morning,” she whispered against her lips. She joined their lips once more before pulling apart and sitting at the vanity to apply her makeup.

Gwendolyn watched Mildred for a moment before rising to get ready for work herself. Swiping on some lipstick, Mildred passed by Gwendolyn, her hand trailing across her shoulders and back as she passed the other woman, leaving her to finish her morning routine.

Gwendolyn walked into the kitchen a few minutes later just as Mildred was taking some painkillers, gulping them down with water and closing her eyes against the nausea that had appeared.

“Mildred?” she asked. She lay a hand on Mildred’s arm and ran her eyes over her body. “Are you okay?”

Mildred nodded and opened her eyes. “I got my period,” she whispered.

Gwendolyn’s face transformed into one of sympathy. “Oh, darling – how are you feeling?”

Mildred shrugged, still waiting for the painkillers to kick in, the beginnings of a pain in her lower back starting to make itself known alongside her cramps. “It feels like my uterus is twisting itself up in knots – and like someone is hacking at those knots with a blunt butter knife.”

Gwendolyn tutted sympathetically and gently wrapped her arms around Mildred’s waist and drew her into a hug. Being careful not to put pressure on her stomach, she swayed them both for a minute, letting the warmth from her body seep into Mildred – and oh how she could ease any pain, with strong arms and soft hugs, smelling of cigarettes and coconut and making Mildred forget for a brief moment that her insides were tearing themselves apart, as if she needed the reassurance that she wasn’t pregnant. Eventually, Mildred could feel the pain ease as the painkillers did their job, and she parted from Gwendolyn and flashed her a grateful smile. Reaching around her to grab a banana, she nibbled at it while Gwendolyn ate her own breakfast. Checking her watch, Gwen left the kitchen and returned with both their jackets, kissing Mildred as she handed hers over. “We’d better get going,” she smiled. “I don’t want Betsy giving out to me again for making you late.”

* * *

Gwendolyn was late home that evening, the bright lights of the car pulling into the driveway well after the sky had gone dark. Mildred looked up from her spot on the couch where she was reading with a hot water bottle draped over her lower stomach. She checked the time with a frown; this was the second night that week Gwendolyn had come home late. Usually, Mildred was the one who would get stuck at work late, often ending up staying back to deal with some minor emergency that seemed to happen at the hospital every week. Mildred looked up again when Gwendolyn came into the living room, planting a kiss on Mildred’s head and murmuring a greeting into her hair.

“You’re late,” Mildred stated, wincing slightly when it came out more accusatory than she had intended. “Busy week?” she added, her voice rising at the end with forced casualness.

Gwen hummed as she plopped down tiredly on the couch beside Mildred. “Very busy,” she confirmed. She leaned across her to reach for the newspaper. “There’s a new secretary – remember I told you, she started last week – we’re trying to show her the ropes, get her used to the place.”

Mildred’s eyes flickered across Gwen’s face as her mind whirred at the mention of the new secretary – _Denise? Donna? Diane?_ She knew she’d heard Gwen mention her before, several times, in fact, and her mind had already made up a picture of this woman in her head _(tall, thin, blonde. Everything Mildred wasn’t, basically)._

Mildred let Gwendolyn carry on talking about her day, nodding at intervals while she let the words wash over her. She was brought back to reality with a sharp twinge to her stomach, though she couldn’t be certain if it were because of the pip or because of Gwendolyn’s new secretary _(Dana, she had discovered)._

“Is your stomach bothering you, sweetheart?” Gwendolyn’s concerned voice broke Mildred’s reverie. Mildred nodded slowly, her hand flying to her stomach when she felt another stab.

Gwendolyn rested her hand on Mildred’s lower back. She rubbed gentle circles and felt Mildred relax under her touch. “Let’s get you to bed, hmm? I’m sorry I was late again tonight, I don’t like leaving you when you’re not feeling well.”

Mildred closed her eyes against the tears that were suddenly blurring her vision. She allowed Gwen to guide her upstairs, changing into a pair of pyjamas and crawling under the covers. When Gwen wrapped her arms around her, Mildred realised just how tired she actually was, the first day of her period leaving her exhausted, sore and emotional. She lay her head on Gwen’s chest and let the steady beat of her heart lull her to sleep.

* * *

The next day, Mildred arrived home an hour later than she should have, needing to stay behind to organise the paperwork of the newest patient in the hospital. She was surprised to open the front door to a dark house, her brow furrowing as she flicked on the lights downstairs. Having already noticed the lack of car in the driveway, she wasn’t surprised when a quick search of the house came up empty. Gwendolyn was clearly still at work.

Mildred showered and changed, popped two more painkillers, and got started on dinner. She held off on eating for as long as she could before her hunger won out. After putting the leftovers in the fridge for Gwen and cleaning up, Mildred sat on the couch with a sigh, rubbing her lower back with a slight wince.

“Where are you?” she whispered, looking at the clock again.

Mildred turned the radio on and tried to let the noise distract her from biting her nails anxiously. Grabbing a book from the coffee table, she leaned back against the cushions and settled in to wait for Gwendolyn to come home.

* * *

“Mildred.”

Mildred hummed and shifted her face further into the pillow beneath her.

“Mildred, darling, wake up. You’ll get a crick in your neck.”

Mildred’s eyes fluttered open and she found herself looking into blue eyes. She woke herself up further, ignoring the twinge in her stomach that remained. “You’re back,” she said.

“I am,” Gwendolyn nodded, resting her hand against Mildred’s cheek. She leaned into the touch, still waking herself up from her impromptu nap. “Come on, you should get to bed, it’s late.”

Mildred frowned and checked the time as she rose from the couch. _Ten past midnight_. Her stomach clenched in a way that had nothing to do with the pip. Gwendolyn had never been this late home from work – she worked in PR, she never had _reason_ to stay at the office late.

Changing and taking off her makeup, Mildred slipped into bed beside Gwendolyn. She placed a kiss on Gwen’s cheek, moving along her jaw to her lips. Passing her lips, she kissed along her opposite jawline and down her neck. Gwendolyn’s hand pushed gently at Mildred’s chin, placing her other hand on her shoulder.

“I’m really tired, sweetheart. Tomorrow?”

Mildred’s hand dropped from its place at the back of Gwen’s neck like she’d been burned. Her face flushed slightly. “Right, of course, I’m sorry. Sorry.”

Gwen tucked a piece of hair behind Mildred’s ear. “Don’t be,” she smiled. I love you.”

Mildred echoed her words, pulling the duvet over her shoulders. She tried not to worry, she really did, but why would Gwendolyn not want to touch her, why would she not want her. Tired had never been a problem before.

Shifting on to her side, Mildred wrapped an arm around her aching stomach and told the voice in her head to shut up.

* * *

The next morning, Mildred tried to shrug off the previous night. Gwen was tired, like she said, and she’d been working late all week. Not wanting to have sex wasn’t a big deal; it was completely normal. She heard the phone ringing as she made her way downstairs before work, hearing Gwendolyn answer it. She let the sound of Gwen’s voice act as background noise while she buttered her toast, digging a knife around the jam jar to try to get enough for the slice. Taking a bite, she sat at the table and allowed herself a few minutes of calm before she had to go to the hospital. Listening to the one-sided conversation in the next room, her grip on her toast slackened. She eyed the door as she zoned in on Gwen’s cheerful voice, laughing far too happily for this hour of the morning as she chatted to Dana the hot-young-secretary.

Mildred swallowed around the lump in her throat, her toast suddenly dry as cardboard. She dropped the slice back onto the plate and got up to wash her dishes. She rotated her wrist to check the time, knowing she had to leave soon if she didn’t want to be late for work. She looked back to the kitchen door, where she could still hear Gwendolyn on the phone. She hesitated briefly before grabbing her handbag and jacket and popping her head into the living room. Gwendolyn looked up at her entrance, smiling and offering a small wave. Mildred managed a meagre smile in return and motioned to the front door while tapping the face of her watch. Gwendolyn looked up at the clock in surprise at the time that had passed. She smiled apologetically at Mildred and mouthed a goodbye, muttering into the phone that she had to hang up. Mildred turned on her heel, partly wanting to leave before she had to deal with listening to Gwen gush about Dana the moment she got off the phone, but also very aware that she should have left for work five minutes ago.

Not bothering to close the front door gently, Mildred left her wife with her secretary and went to work.

* * *

That evening Mildred returned home to an empty house once again. She threw her handbag and jacket on a chair and stormed upstairs to shower, hoping the hot water would ease some of the tension in her shoulders.

It didn’t.

She yanked a tampon out of its box far more aggressively than necessary and took a deep breath before she inserted it, already sick of being on her period. Trying to calm herself, both from her stress about Gwendolyn and her beyond awful day at work, she threw the bloody tampon in the bin and got dressed. In the kitchen, she cooked dinner alone for the fourth night that week. 

She paced the living room several times while she tried to silence the voice in her head telling her exactly what Gwen was doing every night she was late home.

Late nights. Happy phone calls. Not wanting sex.

Mildred wasn’t stupid. She knew the signs of a cheating partner.

Mildred did three loads of laundry, folding clothes neatly and hanging shirts in the wardrobe. She bleached the bathroom, cleaned the kitchen and reorganised both the fridge and presses. She bit her nails down to the quick and moved the vase of flowers from the windowsill to the coffee table and back again. Twice.

It was after half past twelve when the dimly lit living room was illuminated by the headlights of a car pulling into the drive. (12:36 to be exact).

Mildred was standing in the middle of the room when Gwendolyn entered, somehow feeling angry and hurt and upset all at the same time, the emotions swirling around inside her until she wasn’t sure whether the tears suddenly appearing in her eyes were tears of anger or tears of heart-wrenching sadness at the thought of losing the one person she knew she couldn’t live without. She could see the surprise on Gwen’s face when she saw Mildred still up, knowing she didn’t like staying up late when she had work the next morning. Her expression changed when she registered Mildred’s demeanour.

“Is everything alright, Mildred?” she asked hesitantly.

“I’ve tried.”

Mildred went to elaborate when Gwendolyn looked confused. “With this relationship. I’ve tried, I really have. I know I’m difficult, and I don’t always communicate well, and I have all these issues and a fucked up past, but-“ she paused for a breath, wiping frustratedly at the tears that had fallen without her permission. “But I try. And I’m sorry that it’s not enough, that _I’m_ not enough. But I don’t think it’s fair of you to keep me dangling here while you live your life with someone else, I know I don’t deserve much but I deserve better than that. I deserve to be told that you don’t want me anymore instead of second guessing my every action while you have someone better.”

Gwendolyn had stood stock still throughout Mildred’s rant, but now she moved, reaching for Mildred and letting a tear slide down her cheek when the other woman flinched away from her touch. “Mildred,” she whispered.

Mildred shook her head, swiping the back of her hand over her cheek to dry more fallen tears. “I’m not very educated, Gwendolyn, but I’m not stupid. You’ve been late home almost every night since Dana started working at the office. I’ve heard you talk about her constantly.”

Gwendolyn’s mouth fell open silently at Mildred’s words. She looked at her tear-streaked face and swore her heart broke into a million pieces. “Mildred,” she said firmly. “Look at me.

Mildred raised her head, looking as defiant as always despite her red eyes and wet face. Her hands trembled, but she looked Gwendolyn straight in the eyes nonetheless.

“You are the most important thing in my life,” Gwendolyn said softly. “ _The_ most important thing. I would not jeopardise our relationship for anything, you know that.” She walked closer to Mildred, taking one of her hands and exhaling lightly when she didn’t pull away. “I love you, Mildred. So much. I always will.”

Her words seemed to break some sort of dam inside Mildred, and she let out a strangled sob as she collapsed into Gwendolyn’s arms. The older woman wrapped both her arms around her and held her tightly, as if just by holding her she could magically put together her broken pieces. The two women stood swaying as Gwendolyn rubbed Mildred’s back and whispered soft words into her ear while she cried into her shoulder.

Eventually, Mildred’s breaths evened out and she pulled away from Gwendolyn. She sniffed quietly and pulled her sleeve down over her hand to dry her tears. Gwendolyn stroked her hair, pushing strays out of her eyes. Mildred shyly raised her head to make eye contact. “So, you’re not cheating on me with Dana?”

Gwendolyn held back a small laugh. “No, my darling girl, I am most definitely not cheating on you with Dana.”

Mildred nodded slowly and bit her lip. “Well, that’s embarrassing then,” she whispered. “Sorry I yelled at you.”

This time Gwendolyn did laugh, pulling Mildred back into her arms and planting a kiss on her temple. “Mildred, I would never cheat on you. Ever. I love you so much.” She pulled away just far enough to look at her. “I plan on growing grey and old with you.”

Mildred gave a watery laugh and leaned back into Gwen’s embrace. Gwen took her hand and led her upstairs, stripping her gently and dressing her in a pair of too-big pyjamas. “These are yours,” Mildred whispered.

“I know,” Gwen whispered back.

She tugged her over to the bed and Mildred lay her body on top of Gwendolyn’s, wrapping around her like a koala. They lay in silence for a moment until Gwendolyn spoke, her hands never stopping stroking Mildred’s hair. “Dana is straight.”

Mildred rose her head off Gwen’s chest slightly. “You don’t have to- I know you wouldn’t- I’m sorry I made assumptions. You don’t have to explain anything.”

Gwen kissed her slowly. “I want to,” she said. “Dana is straight. Very straight. Happily married with three kids kind of straight.”

“I imagined her young and blonde and… leggy,” Mildred confessed.

Gwendolyn raised an eyebrow. “Leggy?”

Mildred blushed and Gwen kissed her again. “Not my type,” she whispered against her lips. “Don’t tell anyone, but I have a bit of a thing for redheads.”

They kissed for a short while before Gwen pulled away to continue taking. She trailed her index finger over Mildred’s bottom lip. “Dana has cancer.”

Mildred pulled back in surprise. “She- what?”

Gwen nodded and started running her fingers through Mildred’s hair. “It’s in her breast. Same as mine was.”

Mildred shuddered at the memory of Gwendolyn fighting her cancer, remembering the fear they had both felt during that time. She tightened her grip around Gwen’s waist.

“I’ve been spending time with her in the evenings,” Gwen continued. “Talking to her about it. I understand, I know exactly what she’s going through. You don’t meet many people who do. I’m trying to help her get through it, be a shoulder to cry on, prove to her that it’s possible to come out the other side like I did.”

Mildred was quiet for a moment, feeling Gwen’s even breathing beneath her. She should have known, really, that Gwen would never cheat on her. She _did_ know that Gwen would never cheat on her; her emotions had just blinded her, the confusing whirl that cam with being on her period preventing her from looking at the situation clearly. The idea that she had doubted Gwen’s feelings for her hurt – she trusted this woman with her life, yet a few phone calls during a particular time of the month had been enough to question that irrationally. She shook her head. “I’m so sorry, Gwen.”

Gwen just took her hand and linked their fingers. “Don’t be. I know you didn’t mean it – the pip was doing the thinking for you.” She placed soft kisses on each of her fingertips. “My feelings for you are the truest thing in me.”

Mildred blinked back tears at the words she herself had uttered so long ago, not knowing Gwendolyn had actually remembered them all this time. “I love you so much,” she whispered hoarsely.

“And I love you so much,” Gwendolyn replied. She shifted them so Mildred was lying beneath her, her hair splayed out against the pillow. She dipped down and placed kisses down her neck, focussing on that one spot on Mildred’s collarbone that never failed to make her squirm. “Maybe I should show you just how much,” she mused.

“Gwen,” Mildred breathed.

Gwendolyn smirked, but her expression became softer as she looked at Mildred and placed her hands on her face. “You are my favourite person in the while world, Mildred,” she declared. One of her hands left it’s place on Mildred’s cheek and snaked down the front of her body. Mildred’s voice became breathier the lower Gwendolyn’s hand got, and she wrapped one of her arms around Gwen’s shoulders.

“I love you.”

“I love you.”

**Author's Note:**

> ngl i started writing this while drunk, but gin apparently gives me some pretty good ideas so tbh i'm not really mad about it, don't judge me
> 
> i hope you all enjoyed!


End file.
